There is more of my shit on his floor than his.

I'm not really sure what's been going on for the past handful of weeks. There's been a shift in me, which is both good and bad. Good in that I'm recognizing that I might feel confused, and uprooted, but I'm a lot more together than I thought. Bad in that the past few days have been shitty and I feel a lot lower than I've felt in a while.

I don't spend much time in my apartment. I should probably spend more time there, but the place makes me feel stagnant. I can't focus on schoolwork, and more often than not I've got bad allergies. I've spent the most amount of time there over the past few days.
I had an anxiety attack last night, in the bathroom of my apartment. I know it's different from last year simply because I was alone, I wasn't in an academic setting. I have no idea what that means though. Ever since I've been weirded out. There are a number of variables to it, I imagine. Not eating enough, getting too much sleep.

I need another job. All this idleness isn't helping. But I'm so unbelievably happy that I quit. Texts from an asshole & company just made me realize how crappy the employees of hhgregg are. You'd think I'd get less shit after quitting. Alas.

Moving on.

I've been thinking about next semester a lot. What I'll be doing, where I'll be doing it. I'll be in Asheville, sure, but I need to make changes. I need to make a lot of changes. I want to be happier than this, and I feel held down by ignoring what I need. By not facing myself, wrapping myself up in too many other things. Trying to be someone that I am quite obviously not.

Talking to Becca the other day, before the anger, I realized that wanting to feel settled isn't a bad thing. I talked to her about wanting a family, and a home. Not a place that I will grow out of, but a place that I will grow in to. I'm almost 21, and I feel so much closer to 30.
I want to have a house, and a garden, and a dog. I want to have friends over for dinner and music.
People my age think I'm a prude and not fun.
A lot of the time I want to justify myself, because I hate people having the wrong impression of me. But I don't feel like that anymore. I'm so done with being indirect, and not saying what I want as to not interfere with everyone else's feelings.

I don't want to escape from my problems, I want to deal with them, digest them, and move on a little stronger. I want to figure everything out so I can start helping people. And so I can live my life to the fullest, as opposed to letting life live me. I want authenticity and happiness, roots, and good friends.


And those things won't come searching for me. I have to find them. I have to create an environment that will make me happy. And I have to surround myself with people that will satiate my desire for good company and true friendship. I can do that.
I just have to get over my self inflicted obstacles. I have to regain confidence and feel like a genuinely good person again.

Okay, enough rambling. I have a paper to write.

I forgot how gay I am. Ohmygoodness.

Some kind of ballad

Oh memory of snow white.


I hate this keyboard I'm typing on.
It's a roll-up squishy thing
that frequently misses the letters I'm sure I typed.


I'm still defining myself, in my mind and in my actions. It doesn't conjure a lie, or a deviation from my truth. It's grounding, and it makes me feel at home in myself.


I don't have much to say.
I'm entering into a spell of quiet.
A grounded kind,
but one of retreat and self-stability.

When I close my eyes and think of my future, I see myself standing in the mist on the parkway, wrapped in a hoodie, looking out into the world from a strong center. A peaceful center, full of love. Which won't be cultivated by another person, but by myself.


I saw mf yesterday. It was short and sweet,
but it was long enough to make me realize I miss her.
I don't know what that means for me internally, so I won't dwell on it. She's a positive and grounding influence in a train wreck of people I've decided to call my own.


I've got a story growing in me. I've got a spark of creativity that I hope settles down and stays for awhile.