This isn't for you, it's a reminder for myself.

let's rest for awhile til our souls catch us up...
i've pushed you down deep in my soul for too long.

I have always been confounded by the human ego. I drift between desperately clinging to my own, and acknowledging that my mental state of "I" is a creation of my own being.
I have not reached a point in being comfortable with stepping away from my idea of "me." Maybe it won't happen this time around. Maybe it will.
I find myself reaching to experience something other than this skin. I'm not comfortable in my body, and my mind always gives me pause. I have so many lessons to learn, and sometimes I can't handle the dysfunction of being human. The conflicting emotions, trying to learn what being true to myself means while making ample mistakes. Running over people, running through people. Not wanting anyone to think ill of me.
Maybe that makes me self-conscious, or perhaps just irritatingly naive and sensitive.

So here I am with another indecision, and another question. Or multiple.


I miss my friends. Nights in with ice cream and laughter, time spent in cemeteries and wondering about the world. I've been realizing more and more who I am these days, and who I'm not.
I'm a natural introvert. I hate admitting that, but there is no getting around it. I am most comfortable with myself and few others. Partying takes the ground out from under me, which is good sometimes, but not on a regular basis. I feel older than a lot of people my age, which makes it hard to connect with people. I honestly feel more myself with middle-aged family friends. Bizarre, no?
I like sugar way too much for my own good. I ignore messes. Or, I'm oblivious to them until there are a million fruit flies in my kitchen and I actually realize it's for a reason. I love sex, don't get me wrong, but it comes in second a lot of the time. I'm intense. I'm not the light-hearted youthful friend a lot of the time. Intensity and introspection are things I naturally fall into. So I might help you clear out deep, dark secrets that involve a lot of crying and emotion, but I probably won't be the first person you call to get drunk. I just have to get used to that. I'm not charismatic like my sisters. Instead, I generally give off a bitchy vibe that doesn't go away until someone puts in the time to get to know me. I've been compared to Daria in that way. I wish I could be simpler, and I could be the light-hearted life of the party. It's just not in me, and I have to stop pretending it is. I like cooking at home and watching something good on tv, reading a book, or driving up to the parkway. I've got a streak of vanity when it comes to art. I really love modeling and creating characters that are in no way like me at all. Live music shows freak me out, or some do. I get anxious in big crowds that are hard to move around in. And I've found that rock shows just send me into a frenzy. Put me in front of a blue grass stage, a violinist, or Enter the Haggis, I'm all for it though. I am greatly drawn to the female archetype in art. I've carried that love with me my entire life. I think that I'll end up settling down with a woman, or R. Don't ask me why, it's just the way it feels to me. I have the tendency to be lazy and not get things done. My self control is all out of whack. Meaning, specifically, that I can't wake myself up in the morning unless I'm going to work, cleaning is an in the moment action that arises oddly, and is usually done by the time I acknowledge that I have been cleaning.
I believe in guides. And energy. And spirits. But not in the flashy way a lot of people do. My beliefs are much more quiet and thoughtful. I am drawn to the virgin Mary in catholic practices. Not the strict idea that she was a virgin [such hog-wosh!], just the universal symbol of maternity. Spirituality has also been carried with me throughout my life, in some way or another.
I lose myself a lot. I'm actually pretty lost right now, or maybe I'm not. I thought I was, but I feel pretty grounded. I think I am getting back to knowing who I am.
My next step, I feel, is to dig a little deeper in the dark part of me. Not my childhood, but my now. How I feel about things now. I have to figure that out and move forward in a healthy and productive way. I have to stop seeing myself as a horror, or a monster.

I also have to go to sleep. Now that that is out in the interweb, I feel a bit better. Less muddy at least. And now I've got to rest before my morning shift. Being distanced from the real world today has been a marginal roller coaster, but it's been good.