My heart has slowed it's pace for a little while

Last night was fun, a necessity. Granted the cops were all too sobering, but we were setting off firecrackers from the kitchen patio and hollering into the night. Luckily nothing happened and we went on inside, leaving a little of the strong drunken laughter under the sky.
I really enjoyed the company. I enjoyed playing dress-up in silly clothes from the closet in the living room. I enjoyed feeling content with a group of people I get along with.
As opposed to feeling removed, which I have felt regarding most social things for awhile now. Mainly since Avalon left, because it's just bizarre to be here living in a gathered way without her.

A lot of me wishes I had gotten into the car this morning and made my way to the beach. But I'll stay here and take care of boring things like jobs and such.
(Side note: hhgreg is officially my newest employer! Come to me to soothe your digital camera needs!). I won't make as much as I would have had I actually become a tantrica, but hey! I'd rather sell cameras than whack a guy off for 50 bucks an hour. (Though I calculated it and that is about 48,000 a year for a part-time job.) I digress,

Last night was also very full of contrast. I stayed at the boy's (where I presently am, typing away on his computer). I stumbled into his truck at 12:30, forgetting that I wouldn't be in my own car driving back today. So here I sit, waiting for him to get back from work so I can return to the Haunted Mansion. Oh, silly drunken mind.
(I came to this simple conclusion after walking to the parking lot and seeing the spot I had convinced myself I parked in empty. Minor mental break down. Calmer realization that my car was undoubtedly safe in front of my apartment. Minor mental breakdown in realizing my car was, yes, all the way at my apartment. Yayyy today.)

We spent hours in his bed last night, which is kind of muddy in my mind. But I think I may have said something bad because he retreated like I have a tendency to do, and I fell asleep confused. I wonder if that's what it's like when I retreat into my mind.
If so, I plan on altering my pattern of behavior.

For the next 30 minutes or so I focused on my rapid beating heart, which always has a way of terrifying me. I can still see the faint crescent moon marks on my arm, reminding me that I can feel.
I awoke this morning to a calmed heart. Text messages from some of my favorite people all at once. And a hunger that is still unbelievably present. One hour and 40 minutes to go!

I spun poi again last night, at the encouragement of the room. And then proceeded to try and teach C, B, J and J. Which I found endlessly amusing. And I was reminded of how much I really, really love spinning. I didn't have the heart to incorporate dance as well in front of them, just yet. We'll see if it gets there.


Summer is speeding up.