Distance

These past days have felt familiar. This day feels familiar.

I am gone, led through the day with a jumping pulse and a strong desire not to leave my room. I remember this feeling. I remember it and I don't like it.

Anxiety, really? Over what? I don't know what it is this time, maybe I've just been in bed too long. But it's here nonetheless. The edge, the distance, the uncomfortable blankness. Even the agoraphobia to a degree. What then, why do I feel like this? I know the answer, I know it's my own mind. But I'm so tired of this. So, so tired.

Some days are better than others. But the past two days have been bad. I start thinking about death, and I become terrified of it again. The pulsing heart, the dizziness due to lack of food. I always think it leads to something it doesn't. I get so scared of dying. It's overwhelming sometimes. No, it's overwhelming most times.


I feel too needy today, too swept up in my own world to see anyone else's.
I would like to go to sleep and wake up to a better feeling day.