So, I've been wanting to blog a lot recently. I feel bottled up. Everything following this may be from the result of missing two days worth of medication. I'm holding that as a heavy possibility in my mind. So, alas.
Things are going terribly amazing, and terribly atrocious all at once. Not that I expect anything more or less from my life, I mean, it's not a hidden fact that I live in intensity for the vast majority of experiences.
Lately though, I have come to an impasses with myself. I catch myself living in the moment, but it scares me. I'll be brought back to myself in the middle of speaking, saying something I would never say. Not if my walls worked the way they are supposed to. Which leads to wondering exactly who I am. When I gained confidence or felt at such ease in an unfamiliar situation.
I can't believe I started that conversation tonight. I promised myself I never would. My memories don't make sense to me, and they won't make sense to anyone else either, so why in the world would I start that? Especially with family, when there is more at stake than just me. We've all been through too much for me to be gallivanting around with memories that might not even be real. They feel more like dreams now, anyhow.
I miss R. I know he's off in another country, growing and changing, and getting rid of his mind for a spell. And I didn't see him all that frequently, but his presence was always calming.
I'm slipping a little, world. It makes me tired. School, I'm here but it's the last thing on my mind. My grades haven't ever been this bad before. At least not in college.
The boy is good. Really good. I feel safe in his arms, which is more than I can say for most of the people I have been with. We are both on the same mixed-signals page, which allows for more time to live in the moment.
Ugh, enough of this, eh? Time to read.
Things are going terribly amazing, and terribly atrocious all at once. Not that I expect anything more or less from my life, I mean, it's not a hidden fact that I live in intensity for the vast majority of experiences.
Lately though, I have come to an impasses with myself. I catch myself living in the moment, but it scares me. I'll be brought back to myself in the middle of speaking, saying something I would never say. Not if my walls worked the way they are supposed to. Which leads to wondering exactly who I am. When I gained confidence or felt at such ease in an unfamiliar situation.
I can't believe I started that conversation tonight. I promised myself I never would. My memories don't make sense to me, and they won't make sense to anyone else either, so why in the world would I start that? Especially with family, when there is more at stake than just me. We've all been through too much for me to be gallivanting around with memories that might not even be real. They feel more like dreams now, anyhow.
I miss R. I know he's off in another country, growing and changing, and getting rid of his mind for a spell. And I didn't see him all that frequently, but his presence was always calming.
I'm slipping a little, world. It makes me tired. School, I'm here but it's the last thing on my mind. My grades haven't ever been this bad before. At least not in college.
The boy is good. Really good. I feel safe in his arms, which is more than I can say for most of the people I have been with. We are both on the same mixed-signals page, which allows for more time to live in the moment.
Ugh, enough of this, eh? Time to read.
2 comments:
hang in there, girl...
you should start sticking post-it notes everywhere with little messages on them reminding you to do school work. i started doing that and so far it's working.
e.g. "Do your homework, you dumb bitch."
Now I do my homework.
Indecisive.
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