sleeps oh, so
peacefully.
peacefully.
Limbs. I dislike them. Those things you put yourself on and then they either break...or you're still on a freaking limb. Which is probably where the word limbo comes from.
My head hurts, and when that happens I am either brutally honest or near honesty. On that limb of honesty when you're all "so I think...." but you don't finish it. Or you hint at it, but you still don't finish it. This little box of honesty in my head has been unfinished longer than most boxes regarding people. Which is okay, it's teaching me patience for the possibility of not needing patience. Which is negative, but also good. Enigmatic! Ass.
Balls of ass. My head still hurts. So I'm keeping a mental check on my blog. *Do not go this way, do not go that way.*
Anna Ternheim has lots of songs on myspace, so I've been listening to her for the better part of my awakened period of the day, which is not the better part of the day by any means. So it's a small portion of music.
I hate being alone.
I'm reading Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart
I'm copying it in my journal, and I made a Freudian slip...or a happy coincidence that made me start thinking much more. About myself. Anyways, she writes,
"Relax as it is: once we know this instruction, we can put it into practice. Then it is up to us what happens next. Ultimately, it comes down to the question of just how willing we are to lighten up and loosen our grip. How honest do we want to be with ourselves?"
And that's a good message, but what I read from the last sentence was an even deeper question for me.
"How honestly do we want to be with ourselves?"
I sat back, [in the middle of class], and thought about it. I don't want to be with myself at all. I like being around people. But when I'm alone I lose myself. I get sucked into this anxious state of being, where I'm afraid of not being seen. I'm afraid of not influencing others. Not putting my mark on the world...and just...fading away.
Though I'm not sure if this is the real reason, or just the reason I'm telling myself. Or typing on an online blog.
I'm not the most outgoing person in the world, which is okay. I'm also not the most talkative, unless I have something to say. Which is also okay. But I lack a lot of the confidence I used to have. I need to remember that I can take care of myself. That being in Asheville isn't a negative thing just because a lot of my relationships are screwed up now.
I sat down the other night to rationalize it all. Took myself out of the situation. I wrote pages and pages and pages. Of my faults, of my miscalculations. Of my imagination, and of my emotional sensitivity.
The only thing that came of that is that I still feel correct in my stance. And I feel more relieved and comfortable with the removal of people in my life. I feel irritated that I feel things to such an intense degree, but I've been that way my entire life. And I feel like it gives other areas in my life more depth as well.
Growing pains, eh? Or stagnant pains...?
I hate being alone, so I'll be forced to be more social, so I can find people in my life that create a more genuine world lacking mistrust and fake personalities. That feels daunting to me, but I know it's already working.
Okay, end oddness of a blog. I have to pee.
**** Time for some mother trucking tarot ****
My head hurts, and when that happens I am either brutally honest or near honesty. On that limb of honesty when you're all "so I think...." but you don't finish it. Or you hint at it, but you still don't finish it. This little box of honesty in my head has been unfinished longer than most boxes regarding people. Which is okay, it's teaching me patience for the possibility of not needing patience. Which is negative, but also good. Enigmatic! Ass.
Balls of ass. My head still hurts. So I'm keeping a mental check on my blog. *Do not go this way, do not go that way.*
Anna Ternheim has lots of songs on myspace, so I've been listening to her for the better part of my awakened period of the day, which is not the better part of the day by any means. So it's a small portion of music.
I hate being alone.
I'm reading Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart
I'm copying it in my journal, and I made a Freudian slip...or a happy coincidence that made me start thinking much more. About myself. Anyways, she writes,
"Relax as it is: once we know this instruction, we can put it into practice. Then it is up to us what happens next. Ultimately, it comes down to the question of just how willing we are to lighten up and loosen our grip. How honest do we want to be with ourselves?"
And that's a good message, but what I read from the last sentence was an even deeper question for me.
"How honestly do we want to be with ourselves?"
I sat back, [in the middle of class], and thought about it. I don't want to be with myself at all. I like being around people. But when I'm alone I lose myself. I get sucked into this anxious state of being, where I'm afraid of not being seen. I'm afraid of not influencing others. Not putting my mark on the world...and just...fading away.
Though I'm not sure if this is the real reason, or just the reason I'm telling myself. Or typing on an online blog.
I'm not the most outgoing person in the world, which is okay. I'm also not the most talkative, unless I have something to say. Which is also okay. But I lack a lot of the confidence I used to have. I need to remember that I can take care of myself. That being in Asheville isn't a negative thing just because a lot of my relationships are screwed up now.
I sat down the other night to rationalize it all. Took myself out of the situation. I wrote pages and pages and pages. Of my faults, of my miscalculations. Of my imagination, and of my emotional sensitivity.
The only thing that came of that is that I still feel correct in my stance. And I feel more relieved and comfortable with the removal of people in my life. I feel irritated that I feel things to such an intense degree, but I've been that way my entire life. And I feel like it gives other areas in my life more depth as well.
Growing pains, eh? Or stagnant pains...?
I hate being alone, so I'll be forced to be more social, so I can find people in my life that create a more genuine world lacking mistrust and fake personalities. That feels daunting to me, but I know it's already working.
Okay, end oddness of a blog. I have to pee.
When your eyes wander off desperately
That you never look straight
I enjoy when you hesitate
'Cause I don't mind to wait
Somehow it’s keeping me safe
That you never look straight
I enjoy when you hesitate
'Cause I don't mind to wait
Somehow it’s keeping me safe
Does jealousy make any sense in this scenario? No. Not at all.
But still. Balls forever!!
*Okay world, not going that way.*
But still. Balls forever!!
*Okay world, not going that way.*
**** Time for some mother trucking tarot ****
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