last.fm is saving my life.

i was wondering

if you could maybe, darling

think.

I lied. I miss the sex. This is my honest day. I just miss the good kind, though.

Anyways, I thought honesty was important, but moving on.

"The stone mason does all the work.

I just want to drink me some wine.

As soon as you're born you start dying,

so you might as well

have a good time.

Sheep go to heaven

and goats got to hell."

Party on friday. I'm pretty excited, I know that only loveable kids are coming.

Or maybe not, most of my friends are about as reliable as I am. We're a capricious bunch.

I've been thinking a lot about the state of knowledge that occupies my mind. I feel it tugging, wanting to expand. And I haven't felt this way in a really long time. It terrifies me, leaves me breathless and wanting.

I'm dreaming in real life again. My dreams last night were real, they had to be. I felt so, so unbelievable tangible in my dreams. The waves, the bodies, the competitions, and the storms.

I just finished reading a really gentle (kind of) book, that left me believing in magic and that happiness prevails. That love is entirely possible, and that kissing in fact SHOULD make you unable to stand. Or, maybe I'm just a romantic sap that will never be satisfied in life because my head is too far up my candy coated ass.

I would like to think the former. That true love is really fucking glorious. Which means I haven't experienced it yet. I want my experience of love to be a sick joke. And that waiting patiently out there for me is a healthy, beautiful, fire-making, soul-dancing love. I know it exists. I can feel it in my bones. I just have to let it greet me. And I have to let myself be pulled in.

The book gave me a little more faith in that regard too. One of the main characters was 34 and had never experienced the lightness of being a teenager in love. But she recreates it. She fights it forever, and then wakes up one morning and just...gives in to life. And I think that's me. I keep everyone about an arms length away at all times. Sure I'll have a mind blowing mental connection with you, but you can't have sex with me. Or I'll have sex with you but I won't open up my heart to you. It's no longer an either/or situation for me. I am ready to actually let people in. And I am ready to let myself in, which is so much more important.

I might post more later, but for now I feel like dancing.