Don't mind saying...

I'll sing you songs of dreams I used to dream.

How do I know if you're feeling the same as me?

Give me a stage and I'll be your rock and roll queen.

And how do I know if that's the only place you want to be?

I haven't had sex since August. I used to think that was only a short time ago, but now that I actually think about it...I can't say that it was 'last month' anymore. Ironically, I don't miss the sex. I miss waking up beside someone. I miss confusing the end of my body and the beginning of someone else's, simply because I'm being hugged so tightly. I don't define myself by other people, I just miss feeling cherished. I miss being affectionate, I guess.

Mainly because of my own conscious decisions. I used to be relatively affectionate with my friends, and I still am with the ones I feel completely safe with, or if I feel like there is NO possibilty for confusion. After this past semester I made the decision to be affectionate only with the person I'm dating, and with people like Em and Juice who are nurturing and happy. I haven't really been open about why I left school, and I'm not about to be on an open blog (lol). It wasn't just one thing, it was many. And the tip of the iceberg just so happened to be a chauvanistic pig. Nothing devastating happened. Well, it made me see things a little differently about a close friend. But that is well and in the past, like most things.

So I misused the phrase earlier. I'm not ready to make nice in THIS situation. I'm still mad as hell, sabes? I'm mad about a lot of things, that I'm sure will come up at some point in the next month or so, but I still need to work things out in my head before I communicate externally.

I'm wandering away from my point. So returning to this aspect of 'missing,' it's more settled than it has ever been. I am not going to run out and jump at the first chance I get. But, I'm also not going to jeopardize myself anymore. I have passed up SO many opportunities because I put up my million dollar walls and walk away. I'm not going to do that anymore, but I'm also not going to trust people as easily. I know it seems contradictory, but it's not in my head. I'm just going to trust the right people.

A side note: THEY TALK TOO MUCH.