Unemotional Clarity.

I've started typing this entry a good handful of times. It always starts out forlorn and weird. But I don't feel forlorn, specifically. I feel weird...definitely. But not forlorn.

Ann lives here now. And it takes me back to when there was a strong female presence that got up early, who I could hear rummaging around. It's just the wrong person now, and it's surreal. Not necessarily bad, just surreal.

My dad has gone back to being a doting father.
Which is bullshit. unexpected. irritating.

Since when has he EVER cared that I get packaged food? If he keeps this up I'm sure a conversation will follow. I mean, it just doesn't work anymore.
His concern for my housing is warranted, and granted I've made mistakes, but whatever. It's not exactly time for him to jump in on the parent bandwagon of being orderly. Once you're off it, you're off. He might be at a point in his life where he has the energy to be a father again. But I've adjusted to not having a regular dad. And I'm not about to adjust to him becoming what he once was just because he's in love and wants to show his lady friend he's a competent father. Because news flash? He's been existing on an entirely separate plane than me for awhile.
I love him, yes, and he has done SO much for me. But there are just some things he can't decide to become and then have it magically happen. The world doesn't work that way, conscious or not.
So. Now that my little rant is in the interweb world of words and clickity's, I feel slightly better.

Guard reunion tonight was good, I was slightly awkward, considering I quit guard in a storm of fury and sadness. And I never had anything nice to say about band or guard. But, taking that into consideration, it was good to see the girls again.
It made me well aware of the world and how luck and karma roll around and take people at an odd whim.

Went to target tonight half expecting to see someone from my past, and I'm glad I didn't. I don't think I would know what to say. Or do. Something in between a hug, since time and distance has made me re-evaluate the situation, and a grandiose punch in the balls for being such a douche.
I guess it's one of those impromptu reactions that just "comes to you at the time."

As for the rest of the world. I'm struggling with my mind and my heart and trying desperately to make them connect on some logical level [so says the brain!]. They keep clashing, and then I get confused with which is which and hooray! I turn into a bumbling mass of 'what?'
I'm 19, I'll take a dose of danger, sure.

I want my own house, in the middle of the forest, and I want my own comfy couch to curl up on in front of a fire place. That's it. I want stability in the form of solid materials that can enclose me in a safe corner of the world.
Not this house anymore that reduces me to parking far away, or the apartment in asheville that makes it hard to sleep alone.

This is much more emo and ranty than I expected it to be. And for that reason I'm going to stop.