"Perhaps there remains for us some tree on a hillside, which every day we can take into our vision;
there remains for us yesterday’s street and the loyalty of a habit so much at ease
when it stayed with us that it moved in and never left."

My existential crisis seems to gravitate towards negativity and the grandeur of confusion with each passing day. It isn't surprising, it's just vaguely annoying.
My dreams last night were clear and...good. About Asheville, going back. Living on campus, and loving. Weird. My dreams, as of late, have been incredibly vivid and therapeutic. I'm working my way through my life in my dreams. It works in odd ways.
I've realized how sensitive I need to be with myself. It's kind of ridiculous, but I need to.
Time is slipping through my fingers like it usually does. I'm always in this moment, always this moment, but this moment is always behind and in front of me. Suffocating sometimes, liberating sometimes. Forever sturdy in the fact that it exists. But fragile in the understanding that it doesn't specifically exist when it's gone. But, it's never gone, because it's still here.
Yeah, wrap your head around that one.
I get surprised sometimes, when I look down and see toes or my hands, and I do things on auto-pilot. Then I get scared and confused and I feel like I'll lose it all.
So then, I get into bed and I put on music, and I close my eyes, and remind myself I'm sturdy, and I'll live to be 80 years old.
I am tangible, and I am here.
I just forget that sometimes. I live in energy, and when I'm brought back down to a level of material and tangible knowledge, I freak out.

I've come to the conclusion that I am regrettably bat shit confused when it comes to dating or anything of the like. I've got a million and ten walls up around me. I'm brutally honest and open about my life and how I feel, but that doesn't really knock down walls for me. In fact, sometimes it just builds new ones.
I guess I'm just not comfortable in this skin. There is too much of a concentration of me.

Today isn't a day for my bed. I've got too much to do. Waking up this morning was glorious though. I was undeniably comfortable and flooded with afternoon light.


Ann will be here for our christmas celebration.
My dad is forcing this on us far too quickly.
We are supposed to write her a card welcoming her to the family.
I'm not really angry about anything. Just in this encampment of a surreal nature.


Becca and Laura ran into Janet. Said she needs to warn me about what will happen to me if I don't deal with my issues. Does she really not think I'm doing that? Becca almost killed her when she told them she thought I needed to drop out of school for a longer period of time. She's addicted to problems. And all I want is to be clear of mine...so, I'm going back to school.
I think I'll avoid her, for as long as possible. I might even skip out on the Christmas dinner.

Time to get a Christmas tree. And to get rid of my headache.