Hey baby, lets dance.

my fingertips are hanging on to the cracks
in our foundations

So, I feel good today. Good in the way that I want to miss my medication today.
I won't, but I want to. At least I'm not feeling like a zombie today, and I know medication helped get me to where I am right now. I really don't know where I would be right now, if I hadn't gotten the help I needed.
Speculation doesn't do anything. =)

I'm sitting on Jules' bed, watching her pack, and it reminds me of a moment 2 years ago when I watched B pack up her crappy room. I was filled with a happiness that deteriorated soon after that, but now, my happiness is quieter, more secure. When I thought B and I were going to live in a bungalow with cats and wind chimes, I was sooo full of it. But now, now I'm happy because the dark is behind me instead of in front of me. I'll move back on campus, enjoy the whirlwind of possibilities there. Walk to the cafeteria and eat bread, walk through the botans whenever I want. I'm not saying it will be easy all the time, or that I don't still have work to do. But I'm on a good path.

And as for that warm, fuzzy area in my life, I'm stuck between hesitation and excitement. Which is how it's supposed to be, I guess. And while the past doesn't exist in this realm, it exists on a realm close enough for me to feel dangerous and in a pause. I want to keep my indecisiveness at bay this time. If I get to a point where it might rear its head and become an attribute of a self-sabotaging nature.



I'm cleaning my slate, Locke would be proud, but because it's all on the surface I find that people think it's acceptable to give me negative feedback. Which, thank you, I'm well aware about. And I want to be the whole person that I am. I want to be genuine to myself, to my living, and to the people that I surround myself with. But I'm getting genuinely tired of people thinking that they have their shit figured out, and I'm just grasping at straws. I'm getting myself figured out by the time I'm 21, and then I'm going to do what I'm meant to do with my life. And I have been keeping my mouth shut about people who obviously have their own shit to work on because everyone does it in their own time. But I am not a mess of a person who can't seem to see the difference between up and down. (Granted if you want to get into that, there isn't really a difference between the two...anyways.)
I can communicate with myself in a clear and healthy way now, and that is more than a lot of people can say for themselves. And I can communicate with other people. Not that I always do, but I have the capacity to.
So the next time I find someone encouraging my faults without recognizing their own, I'm not going to hold back. I'm not going to be mean. But I won't hold back, at all.
Just a forewarning. =)



It's beautiful outside today.