There is more of my shit on his floor than his.

I'm not really sure what's been going on for the past handful of weeks. There's been a shift in me, which is both good and bad. Good in that I'm recognizing that I might feel confused, and uprooted, but I'm a lot more together than I thought. Bad in that the past few days have been shitty and I feel a lot lower than I've felt in a while.

I don't spend much time in my apartment. I should probably spend more time there, but the place makes me feel stagnant. I can't focus on schoolwork, and more often than not I've got bad allergies. I've spent the most amount of time there over the past few days.
I had an anxiety attack last night, in the bathroom of my apartment. I know it's different from last year simply because I was alone, I wasn't in an academic setting. I have no idea what that means though. Ever since I've been weirded out. There are a number of variables to it, I imagine. Not eating enough, getting too much sleep.

I need another job. All this idleness isn't helping. But I'm so unbelievably happy that I quit. Texts from an asshole & company just made me realize how crappy the employees of hhgregg are. You'd think I'd get less shit after quitting. Alas.

Moving on.

I've been thinking about next semester a lot. What I'll be doing, where I'll be doing it. I'll be in Asheville, sure, but I need to make changes. I need to make a lot of changes. I want to be happier than this, and I feel held down by ignoring what I need. By not facing myself, wrapping myself up in too many other things. Trying to be someone that I am quite obviously not.

Talking to Becca the other day, before the anger, I realized that wanting to feel settled isn't a bad thing. I talked to her about wanting a family, and a home. Not a place that I will grow out of, but a place that I will grow in to. I'm almost 21, and I feel so much closer to 30.
I want to have a house, and a garden, and a dog. I want to have friends over for dinner and music.
People my age think I'm a prude and not fun.
A lot of the time I want to justify myself, because I hate people having the wrong impression of me. But I don't feel like that anymore. I'm so done with being indirect, and not saying what I want as to not interfere with everyone else's feelings.

I don't want to escape from my problems, I want to deal with them, digest them, and move on a little stronger. I want to figure everything out so I can start helping people. And so I can live my life to the fullest, as opposed to letting life live me. I want authenticity and happiness, roots, and good friends.


And those things won't come searching for me. I have to find them. I have to create an environment that will make me happy. And I have to surround myself with people that will satiate my desire for good company and true friendship. I can do that.
I just have to get over my self inflicted obstacles. I have to regain confidence and feel like a genuinely good person again.

Okay, enough rambling. I have a paper to write.

I forgot how gay I am. Ohmygoodness.

Some kind of ballad

Oh memory of snow white.


I hate this keyboard I'm typing on.
It's a roll-up squishy thing
that frequently misses the letters I'm sure I typed.


I'm still defining myself, in my mind and in my actions. It doesn't conjure a lie, or a deviation from my truth. It's grounding, and it makes me feel at home in myself.


I don't have much to say.
I'm entering into a spell of quiet.
A grounded kind,
but one of retreat and self-stability.

When I close my eyes and think of my future, I see myself standing in the mist on the parkway, wrapped in a hoodie, looking out into the world from a strong center. A peaceful center, full of love. Which won't be cultivated by another person, but by myself.


I saw mf yesterday. It was short and sweet,
but it was long enough to make me realize I miss her.
I don't know what that means for me internally, so I won't dwell on it. She's a positive and grounding influence in a train wreck of people I've decided to call my own.


I've got a story growing in me. I've got a spark of creativity that I hope settles down and stays for awhile.

This isn't for you, it's a reminder for myself.

let's rest for awhile til our souls catch us up...
i've pushed you down deep in my soul for too long.

I have always been confounded by the human ego. I drift between desperately clinging to my own, and acknowledging that my mental state of "I" is a creation of my own being.
I have not reached a point in being comfortable with stepping away from my idea of "me." Maybe it won't happen this time around. Maybe it will.
I find myself reaching to experience something other than this skin. I'm not comfortable in my body, and my mind always gives me pause. I have so many lessons to learn, and sometimes I can't handle the dysfunction of being human. The conflicting emotions, trying to learn what being true to myself means while making ample mistakes. Running over people, running through people. Not wanting anyone to think ill of me.
Maybe that makes me self-conscious, or perhaps just irritatingly naive and sensitive.

So here I am with another indecision, and another question. Or multiple.


I miss my friends. Nights in with ice cream and laughter, time spent in cemeteries and wondering about the world. I've been realizing more and more who I am these days, and who I'm not.
I'm a natural introvert. I hate admitting that, but there is no getting around it. I am most comfortable with myself and few others. Partying takes the ground out from under me, which is good sometimes, but not on a regular basis. I feel older than a lot of people my age, which makes it hard to connect with people. I honestly feel more myself with middle-aged family friends. Bizarre, no?
I like sugar way too much for my own good. I ignore messes. Or, I'm oblivious to them until there are a million fruit flies in my kitchen and I actually realize it's for a reason. I love sex, don't get me wrong, but it comes in second a lot of the time. I'm intense. I'm not the light-hearted youthful friend a lot of the time. Intensity and introspection are things I naturally fall into. So I might help you clear out deep, dark secrets that involve a lot of crying and emotion, but I probably won't be the first person you call to get drunk. I just have to get used to that. I'm not charismatic like my sisters. Instead, I generally give off a bitchy vibe that doesn't go away until someone puts in the time to get to know me. I've been compared to Daria in that way. I wish I could be simpler, and I could be the light-hearted life of the party. It's just not in me, and I have to stop pretending it is. I like cooking at home and watching something good on tv, reading a book, or driving up to the parkway. I've got a streak of vanity when it comes to art. I really love modeling and creating characters that are in no way like me at all. Live music shows freak me out, or some do. I get anxious in big crowds that are hard to move around in. And I've found that rock shows just send me into a frenzy. Put me in front of a blue grass stage, a violinist, or Enter the Haggis, I'm all for it though. I am greatly drawn to the female archetype in art. I've carried that love with me my entire life. I think that I'll end up settling down with a woman, or R. Don't ask me why, it's just the way it feels to me. I have the tendency to be lazy and not get things done. My self control is all out of whack. Meaning, specifically, that I can't wake myself up in the morning unless I'm going to work, cleaning is an in the moment action that arises oddly, and is usually done by the time I acknowledge that I have been cleaning.
I believe in guides. And energy. And spirits. But not in the flashy way a lot of people do. My beliefs are much more quiet and thoughtful. I am drawn to the virgin Mary in catholic practices. Not the strict idea that she was a virgin [such hog-wosh!], just the universal symbol of maternity. Spirituality has also been carried with me throughout my life, in some way or another.
I lose myself a lot. I'm actually pretty lost right now, or maybe I'm not. I thought I was, but I feel pretty grounded. I think I am getting back to knowing who I am.
My next step, I feel, is to dig a little deeper in the dark part of me. Not my childhood, but my now. How I feel about things now. I have to figure that out and move forward in a healthy and productive way. I have to stop seeing myself as a horror, or a monster.

I also have to go to sleep. Now that that is out in the interweb, I feel a bit better. Less muddy at least. And now I've got to rest before my morning shift. Being distanced from the real world today has been a marginal roller coaster, but it's been good.

Florence and the Machine

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

Lunch break, a dandy time to blog!

I despise work today. Despise it. I have been one of the only people on register practically all day, and have gotten all the worst customers ever.

In fact, I got called 'crazy' by a hill-billy bumpkin because I wouldn't give him cash back on a check order. Ah yes, the dilemma of incest.
Please do not produce babies with family members. It will spare me the horror of witnessing their inability to mingle with the rest of the human race.

After that I left went to the bathroom and had a grandiose meltdown. I don't like being perceived as weak, so having T see my eyes and try to comfort me just made it a bit worse.

That's what happens when you don't give someone a goddamn day off for 8 days. 84 fucking continuous hours my ass.
The only reason I haven't quit yet is because the other people that work in the digital center can not afford someone else leaving.

Weaving Smoke

Photo Shoot with Mateo.

We drove up to the parkway and got to the top of a mountain just as the storm rolled in. For the first hour we sat in his truck, goofing off as the rain and clouds gathered around us.
It was beautiful, watching the clouds rush in. Above and beneath us. We couldn't see past the truck windows due to the fog.
After the storm cleared out we finally got to take some pictures outside. This place was magic. Appropriate for the Midsummer air. I felt like I was inbetween worlds.
The pictures speak for themselves, so I'll let you take a gander. (Just for those of you that cannot handle breasts: please, do not look.)

We went here: (so, so, so beautiful)